***blink, blink...stare***

dear diary,
i have absolutely nothing to say about this...smh!
peace.

Living with MS Peggy

dear diary,


my mom has MS...i was 12 when she first got sick. she was in the hospital for about 2 weeks before I came to her bedside with my own personal diagnosis of her condition…at the time I had this crazy notion of wanting to become a doctor when I got older, so I used to read all of my dads medical journals. during one of our nightly visits, I wiggled my way into her hospital bed and whispered in her ear “mommy…you have multiple sclerosis …one month later, a team of underworked and overpaid neurologists finally confirmed my diagnosis…that was the day I stopped being a kid.

Multiple Sclerosis (MS) is a chronic, often disabling disease that attacks the central nervous system (brain and spinal cord). Symptoms may be mild, such as numbness in the limbs, or severe, such as paralysis or loss of vision. 

MS is thought to be an autoimmune disease. The body’s own defense system attacks myelin, the fatty substance that surrounds and protects the nerve fibers of the brain, optic nerves, and spinal cord (the central nervous system). The damaged myelin may form scar tissue (sclerosis). Often the nerve fiber is also damaged. When any part of the myelin sheath or nerve fiber is damaged or destroyed, nerve impulses traveling to and from the brain are distorted or interrupted. More about MS 

for the longest I didn’t understand what this disease consisted of. In the beginning, my mom drug us all over the country to attend informational meetings and seminars that were supposed to “warn” us about how serious of a condition it is…but of course we didn’t listen. I just knew that she was sick and she wasn’t able do the things just used to, like cooking or cheering for us at track meets. Sometimes she would relapse and go back to the hospital for long periods of time…Even still, it took me a while to actually grasp what she was really going thru…the mood swings, forgetfulness, muscle weakness, temporary paralysis, mobility problems, her loss of vision, the tremors that shook her body like mini earthquakes, the dependency of prescription meds just to get her thru the night...the insurmountable pain that shoots thru her body on an everyday basis.

at 24, it’s still hard for me to understand…or better yet accept that my mother is sick and that I can’t do anything about it. It’s hard for me not to cry…or complain when I have to make very adult decisions with my brother and sister like, whether a hired nurse or nursing home would be a better “fit” for her. or if her life insurance and will are up to date…whew this shit is tough! life is i mean…the card that we’ve been dealt…everyone has fought their share of battles and won…but sometimes, we have to step aside and let God when the war.

ahem...excusez moi.

dear diary,

  this here is a new start. the summer is almost over and i had every intention of writing in you everyday. but hey shit happens. and let me tell you for the last 3 months boy shit has been happening....but i'm okay...or i'm on my way to being okay. :)

my new years resolution for 2010 wasn't a typical one you would hear, like to lose weight or to stop smoking. I chose a goal that had more substance than just any weak attempt at committing to some shallow routine that would only add to my exterior appearance. nah…not at all…I knew that an ass workout or sticking to some imaginary carb diet wasn’t going to solve the 1 million problems that I had with “self”. So after running forward for 23 years, I made the wise and difficult decision of taking a step back to analyze my insides…I needed to learn how to love me (and my flaws)…Not the “looking-in-the-mirror-and-telling-yourself-you’re-beautiful” type of love…im talking about dissecting my heart, my mind, my soul, and my spirit to figure out who I am and where I really want to go.

during these last 8 months, i’ve been faced with the grueling reality of who i am as a person. it was tough to admit that i had problems with “self” in the beginning….insecurity issues, attitudes, lack of confidence, etc…it was even harder to actually work on these issues that were plaguing my insides, but I did….or I am rather, working on the issues that once made it difficult for me to really be free...free from guilt, bad habits, “ungodly” desires, unhealthy grudges, buried temptations…

I now understand the importance of putting “self” first and taking responsibility for my own actions. I mean yeah of course it’s easier to blame my fathers absence in my early childhood on the reason why I attracted controlling men and stayed in abusive relationships…Or my mom for getting sick to soon and being easy on us when we partied way past curfew in high school…Shit, scapegoats are easy! Ha, it doesn’t take anything to lie or to pass the blame off on someone other than the person at fault (self)…The true challenge comes however, when you’re finally able to muster up the strength to stop running and sit the hell down…Only then – in a quiet, dimly lit room with your body erected in the lotus position and every thought extracted from your mind – will your true “self” come forward.

Peace to love…the real version of it

happy fathers day

my parents divorced when i was ten so there were plenty of fathers day's i chose not to recognize. not because i didn't have a father figure around, it was more because i didn't feel the title best suited my mom...with that being said, happy father's day to all of the real dads and single mom's out there. you guys rock!!!